We're Going Live.

Yep. Friday night, the Hooker and I will be coming at you live from UStream. I will post the link tomorrow, and let you all know when to tune in. You can watch us and interact with us via the chatroom. So, help us out. Got a question for us? Leave it in the comment section. What are you dying to know about life in the Brothel? Ask away, fuckers, we'll answer. Keep checking back here for updates, see ya Friday night.

UPDATE: WE WILL BE BROADCASTING LIVE TOMORROW NIGHT HERE.

Update 2.o: The show starts at 9:00 mountain time. There is a live chatroom during the show that we can see, so see ya there!

Sex

Because we are both too lazy this week.

We The People, Oooh! Orange Tic Tacs!

Recently, you may have heard of an election in Iran. While many Iranians were dying at the hands of their own government, millions of Americans were found sitting in their air-conditioned houses, 'caring' and being 'utterly horrified by images'. A small group of techies did us a big favor and pulled a struggling butterfly out of it's ancient chrysilis. Thanks, now we're involved.

Take a look at the history of Iran. Go ahead, take a good hard look. Any christian will tell you that the peoples indigenous to that part of the world were cursed for all eternity, by God himself in the old testament. Ok, don't like the bible? Skip ahead a few years. Fuck, go back fifty, one hundred, two hundred years. Two hundred years. That is a long piece of chain, isn't it? How long have we been the land of the Free? Seems like a while. America is the infant in the global playpen. Fuck that, we're hardly an embryo. Our way of life, our freedom, this democracy, is still in a rather experimental stage. BetaLife. And, like any rookie, we feel the need from time to time to test the veterans. Guess what? Evertime we go at it alone, we fucking lose. You could say we gave the french this, and that, but it simply isn't true. America is at its best when we team up with a veteran. Slow down, Ghost.

So why, in the name of all we hold sacred, do we feel the need to run around and fix the world? Leave the world alone, America, please. Tyranny? Tyranny exists because in most countries, it is THEIR 'democracy'. That is THEIR way of life. It has been for thousands of years. Thousands. Guess what? They still find a way to exist, procreate, and hand down their traditions, ideals, and THEIR beliefs. That is THEIR identity. What would happen if one of these countries tried to pull the kind of shit we pull on our soil? Right, we fucking bomb the piss out of them, leave some troops and let them regroup. The veterans know we are young and somewhat drunk, so they leave us to our vices. Why can't we do the same? We've proven we can defend our soil, our way of life, our freedom. Anybody remember 'Democracy in Iraq'? Oh, right, we still have troops there and Iraq is still waiting for it's next Hussein. I was there when Iraq was liberated, the very day, boots on the ground. Reactions from Iraqis: looting, looting, everyone gets a day off to celebrate. The following week, these people are waiting for George Bush to declare himself new ruler of Iraq. Seriously, WE, AS AMERICANS, STILL DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WORK A DEMOCRACY. WE ARE NOT EXPERTS OF FREEING OTHERS, AND WE CERTAINLY ARE NOT MASTERS OF ENJOYING OUR FREEDOM OR HANDLING FREEDOM ANYMORE THAN A TODDLER CAN OPERATE A CHAINSAW. And that's what we are sometimes, to the earth and it's peoples: an enebriated toddler with a chainsaw.

America, those images you saw in Iran, those were the same images that Iranians and Iraqis live and have lived and choose to live. 'We want American Constitution' - Really? So do we. And we are still fighting, every day to keep it in tact. America, get your fucking dick out of the punchbowl, let's get back to work. Preserving our rights, our freedoms. We live this way because we want to. Because we are willing to work our plan and plan our work. We want freedom. Well, our ancestors did. Today, We The People, Have A.D.D. Let's work on sticking with something we can change before we end up living in tyranny, under oppression. Let's get this right before we go around trying to fix something that isn't broken in other countries. You say tolerance, but all I'm seeing is a stupid, angry mob, bent on world domination. In short, the only way those people will ever be free is if they want to be. And that will not happen in my lifetime. You cannot undo an ancient, violent culture in a matter of minutes. This is our way of life, it works for us, it suits us, it is what we know and who we are. AIDS, it's still in Darfur. Trust me, Sri Lanka is still a fucking mess. Iraq? Who knows what's going on there anymore? Not us, we need a new flavor each week. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: charity starts at home. Help your neighbor. Help your neighbor's neighbor. Skip church and volunteer your time to being an agent of change. Until then, please shut the fuck up about This Year's Cause. Because every time you angry scared bastards get all shitty about something like this, someone else's son has to go do your fucking dirty work. We lose more Americans over shit like this when these guys need to be home living what they volunteer to protect. Give our servicemen a break, assholes, thank you. Oh, but if you would like to assemble a group to go over and give freedom to Iran, be my fucking guest, I will pay for your one way ticket.

UPDATE: I'm a commie bastard. This is one of my favorite songs and there doesn't seem to be an actual video for the song, so I found this marginally shitty montage. Psst, the Hoff makes an appearance.

Horse Porn Torrents

I got the Cable and Internet of Keywork hooked up yesterday. While waiting for my cable boys (yeah, two of them, cue the porn jokes) I had the pleasure of meeting two different sales people. The first, a youngish girl, was running a scam. Yeah, I'll pass on the magazines, skank. Wait, ok, I know, sales=scams, I know. Look at all them fucking commas. Just look at them. Ahem. Now, I quickly disposed of this girl and put her in pieces in the freezer. Not really, I could never do that. I don't own a chainsaw nor have I ever worked as a butcher. Get out of this, GoK, get out....right, the other sales person.

My cable boys showed up, and they went to work and I went outside to enjoy a cold Pacifico. I onced worked with a guy from Mazatlan, but that's for another day. So, as I am enjoying my tasty beverage, I notice a skinny, rather tired lad wandering my way. David was his name.

David: Hello, sir, I am me. Give me a second to catch my breath.

GoK: You're not selling magazines, are you, David?

David: No sir.

GoK: Good. Do you like barbecue, David?

David: Huh?

GoK: Nevermind. What are you selling?

David: I-

GoK: I see, I can smell cleaning products.

David: Damn, it's hot out here. (Looks at my beer)

GoK: It really is. Why do they make you fellas wear pants? It's summer time, y'know? Doesn't really make sense.

David: Man, I need a beer.

GoK: Tell you what, David, I'll go grab you a beer, cause I sure as fuck am not buying cleaning products today.

David: Thank you.

I grabbed him a beer, dropped the tailgate on my truck and told him to go ahead and have a seat. I noticed he smoked Newports, so I made sure I got one of those from him. As we sat and drank beer, I regaled the young lad with my illustrious and wonderous sales career. I don't think he listened to a fucking word of it, but whatever. No worries, because as soon as he started talking back I spaced out. Something about a missing bottle of cleaner, another employee, WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WEARING PANTS? Jesus, I need to fucking get out of this house for a few hours a week, I think. Either way, before he left, I reminded him to ask his boss about wearing shorts, because I refuse to buy shit from someone that will be coerced into walking door to door in black trowsers in the summer heat. That was it. Got my cable, my internet, and that was the extent of my afternoon. Well, there may have been more beer and a nip or two of rye, but other than that, not much to report.

I'm a Sexy Motherfucker

Stop what you're doing and make sure to wish my baby a Happy Birthday today, she's one step closer to 30.

While everyone is balls-deep in coverage of the Iranian Election Nightmare, I'm busy. I'm busy thinking of all the things that need to be done around the house before I receive the Hooker and her Spawn. And her cats and a snake. My movement around the brothel as of late has been a bit like that 'nesting' thing female humans do right before they give birth. Ok, I'm not even that organized to be honest with you. I'm more like a retarded mute on methamphetamines. Got that image? Good.

The small patch of grass in front of the brothel is, for the most part brown. I blame that on the fact that since I have been there, those sprinklers haven't popped up once. Not once. Well, yesterday, I came home to find them on. Two hours later, I stepped out front for a cigarette, and they were still on. Really? Look, assholes, flooding a patch of dead grass is about fucking idiotic. So, with a beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, I marched over to the piece of two inch pvc pipe that was supplying the flood in my front yard. I found two valves, shut them off and that was the end of that. Until someone discovers that I have thwarted their insanely retarded plans of giving me a pond in my driveway. Fuckers.

Also, now you can all say you found Jesus on Ghost's Privates. Yeah, I just went there. If you haven't already, go check out this from Mr. Lady. I contributed to her survey and the end result is nothing short of fucking hilarious.