Things to think about while masturbating:
1. Locomotives. Or some other large vehicle, possibly going through a tunnel.
2. Having sex with someone more attractive than your hand.
3. Baseball. Unless baseball scares you. In which case, think about something pleasant.
4. Finding a towel. So you can hide the mess that masturbation always leaves behind.
5. Killing things. Like when you were little and derived pleasure from squashing things. Like bugs. Or small frogs.
6. Not your family members. Don't. Fucking. Do. It. Trust me on this one.
7. Hot nurses. With or without gloves.
8. Your third grade teacher. Unless he/she was really unattractive. You make the call.
9. Cookies. Or pastries.
10. Sock puppets. Seriously, your hand likes them alot.
11. Trimming your finger nails more frequently. The scars don't lie.
12. Corpses. Why not? Noone can hear your thoughts, so go for it.
Blog Archive
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
While You're Down There...
I made you. ghost of keywork at 7:51 AM
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47 comments:
Romeo, I think you need a vacation.
He needs bigger hands.
When I jack off I picture some chicks belly swelling up as I fill it with jiszm.
I do need a vacation. If my hands were any bigger, I'd need someone to help carry them.
This is so you, Key.
So me, if I really thought about it.
Hey I'm working full time again...back in radio. We'll talk soon....
Assface (had to get one in)
LK
Good to hear, shitbag. I hope this means you will be around more frequently. Not around me, around a fucking mental institution. I'll wait for your call. Or not.
Spring is in the air.
I can feel the love.
I can smell it.
"KW: Smelling Your Loves."
Goose just reminded me.
This is too fucking much.
I dropped my boy off at school this morning and on the way back this fucking mongoode runs out in front of me to grab a burger king bag. Whatever was in it was heavy and the little fucker couldnt carry it to the bushes. Everytime he went to pull it the bag ripped. (it just rained).
So I'm sitting in the middle of the road blocking traffic with about ten people behind me waiting for this shit head to get it together. Finally I blew my horn and crept forward and the little bastard stood up on his hind legs and started bitching me out.
Now you have to figure that I'm thinking of Heather the whole time this is going on. Along with that came laughter so hard I was crying.
People are blowing there horns because they cant see why I'm not moving and I'm just flipping them all off while laughing hysterically while the mongoose keeps bitching at me.
Finally I got out and went to help the guy and he ran into the bushs. I picked up the bag and tossed it in his direction so mostly everyone beside the guy right behind me probably thought I was breaking for a wet paper bag.
By the time I got back in my car the little fucker came out and started trying again to drag this bag into the bushs.
At least everyone else got to see what the deal was.
Mongoode.
Yea, ya'll know better
This story has brought a tear to my eye this day.
What are you ? A fucking cyclops mongoose ?
Oh Key, did you say " Hot Nurses?"
HMMMMMMMMMMMMM! :)
Cookies?!? I thought I was the only one. Thank you for legitimizing it.
This post reminded me of one of my favorite jokes of all time:
Q: What's the most sensitive part of your body while you're masturbating?
A: Your ears.
Sadly, I laughed WAAAY too loud at that one, and for the rest of my time at that office, I was THAT woman...
Browneyes, Kendrick, and some cookie monster I've never heard of.
Well boss.
You'll have plenty to think of tonight.
Ginny, your link is busted. I presume you found this through Laurie. Yes, Browneyes, apparently I have a history with nurses. Go figure. Micky, well, I really can fucking see you holding up traffic laughing at a mongoose. That's awesome.
I swear that if the whole thing were translated he would be telling me to take pill and blow it out my ass.
I bet you're right.
We should all start our days listening to animals voice their concerns.
or maybe not
Oooh, can I start? "I'm concerned."
Fire away bitch
No, that was it.
Okay, we have concern.
Next ?
Corpses? Are you sure about that one?
hair balls.
Lucky, that's the point. Noone will ever know.
Niice!
May I add: Your dead relatives watching you from heaven. Awe.
Here, a bit of train tunnel inspiration:
http://bagelofeverything.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/analtunnel.jpg
Trying again...
here
that's funny. ha ha ha ha ha
Ok, that's going to the top of this post. Thx, Bgl.
And someone, somewhere gets the pink slip from Sir Topham Hatt.
Like any good girl, I know what toasts my daddy's marshmellows.
Bagel, yes you do.
Goose, I don't know, seems like a really useful engine to me.
"KW: We've Got Trains."
change the post or get the fucking picture out, it scares me. Every time I open the page and see those white shiny cheeks and those legs attached all in one creamy color it reminds me of a porcelain doll with those black beady eyes and fake eyelashes that blink at you when your not watching so then you have to shove it in a drawer and hope that it doesn't come alive to get you.
please go away.
Cap, thanks for saying it. Eeeeeeeek!
Wow...
Sounds like someone wasn't properly abused as a child.
I don't mind it for the reason Cap does. What bothers me is that, given the title, it doesn't appear anatomically correct. Unless she has a birth defect. In which case, sorry, lady. Go on about your business. If you can.
My computer is all fucked up guys.
Actually its probably because I'm so fucking tech ignorant its not even funny.
I downloaded my vista yesterday and untill I can get my AOL VR to go in I'm stuck with Internet explorer which is like a whole new fucking language to me.
Long story short , I feel like a neanderthal in times square.
I think I got it right now, lets see.
Sorry Bagel, I wasn't as fortunate as you, my abuse entailed shiny sharp objects and a dark room. Considering the only thing I had to play with was a broken porcelain doll. Only one of the eyes closed and the mouth propped open like a dark train tunnel.
It's all about the airbrushing.
In regards to #8, is my elementary school secretary acceptable? None of the female teachers back then were very attractive at all. I mean Roseanne Barr/ Rosie O'Donell-in-their-60's unattractive.
God hears your thoughts...and he punishes you for masturbation!
He only seems to punish you, DPH, for masturbating. The rest of us are allowed to defile ourselves on a regular basis.
well isn't that just fuckin great...
I was thinking that for you, it probably sucks.
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