We're watching you.
This
girl. She really doesn't know. She says she
hates raccoons. For good reason. She has yet to have
the raccoon sex. Now, her blog is entirely devoted to raccoon hate, so I may be doing a piece like this every damn day to counter each attack. Lady, you don't hate raccoons. You just have been deprived of a deep loving relationship with a charming raccoon. By deep and loving, I really mean 4.7 seconds of raccoon on girl grudge fucking. Don't feel bad, I'm only one raccoon. I can't get around to everyone, just wait your turn. Hippie Bureaucrats, my ass. Those 'bureaucrats ' are scared by what I did to some
hunters in Illinois. Consider them pro-procyon lotor. For life. Maybe raccoons are evil. Maybe just handsome sex machines. I've got four paws to hold you down.
50 comments:
OK Key. Here it is..in black and white.
True...you and I have had our differences. It;'s not been easy trying to maintain a civil relationship between coon and woman with a half child involved. But I'll give you this. You were a good provider. Little Bagel always had milk and field rats to eat while growing up. And you taught her to wash everything. (in fact, I hear her husband is almost clinically spotless--know what I'm saying? We raised her right!!)
It's damned near impossible to be romantically involved with a raccoon but not impossible to have great, wonderful, filthy, grunge sex. Here's to Miss Scott Marti, a real hater and a founding member of hmember of the Koon Klux Klan...don't knock raccoons until you've tied them.
Biblically.
Sex with Key was great because he was so angry. Grunge sex yes, but usually aimed at Charles Darwin and that whole fucked up evolution shit that Key by which Key felt so damn cheated!!
Fucking Darwin. Clinically spotless, eh? Yeah, romance is pretty low on the raccoon pyramid of needs and services. It's right under parenting and work ethic.
If memory serves, those months we were together? I was pretty darn sanitized myself!!
And this is better late than never--thanks for that, too!
Mom, dad...
Are you sure I should be hearing all this?
bagel, um, goldschlager. it heals wounds.
Yes, Bagel. Its medicinal. Like Momma's weed...you know, I got THE GLAUCOMA!!!!
Ya know Key, remember when we used to play Lone Ranger?
You'd be Kimosabe, wearing a white hat and you already had the little black raccoon mask and I'd be your faithful Indian guide and you'd shout, "Blow me pronto, Tonto".
And remember what I'd do? Huh? Do Ya?
Yeah, righteous sleep.
I remember you could foam at the mouth on command. I loves me some rabies. hot. hi ho silver. what a wild pony ride.
Yeah..good times. I loved it when you'd foam. Then I'd spray your rabid, hydrophobic ass with water and you'd got into a rage and then pout and hide in the second floor rain gutter?
I had to coax you out with one of Bagel's dirty diapers. Incest doesn't count when its garbage and or organic waste.
That always pissed me off. Luckily, I'm a sucker for feces. And diapers.
Yeah..I was never really a fan of your love of Ass-To-Mouth.
Don't read that last sentence Bagel..ignore that. Don't read it!
I've always wondered--did that oral/rectal fascination with you coons stem from the typical rectal birth? Because Bagel had that. She kept insisting that the only difference between a regular thermometer and the anal one was the taste!!!
She's her father's daughter!!!
Blame it on the rectal birth. My daughter wouldn't know the difference in taste. I don't. Everything pretty much tastes the same to me. Well, ok, human tastes different. Remember, I'll eat tampons if given the chance.
It was kind of a turn on knowing I was living with a half human/half garbage disposal.
The after breathe was my biggest complaint, but you were always so conscientious about it. I remember your love of tampons.
Part snack..part floss.
Mostly snack. My cotton consumption has been down lately, the texture started getting to me.
Yes, you ARE getting older! I'd imagine you're not processing fiber quite like you used to.
I''m older too..can't handle all that uh...uh "protein" like I used to...gives me the winds something fierce.
That is fierce. If I had known I was going to live past 6yrs, I would have taken better care of myself. I should have quit the booze and laudunum a long time ago.
You also like to snort a little that fine white powdery "CoCoon", emember?
Wasn't easy getting a rolled up bill in that snout of yours.
I called it blow....you called it "morning".
The transition from coon to human is still tough for me. I've found that cutting the little coffee swizzle stiks in half does the job. I miss your steady human hands. The local Starbucks charges me for those swizzle stiks now.
Allright Key...dusk approacjes and you'll be back to full coon in no time so I'll say goodnight for now.
My sources indicate that your new found readers are interested in this story. Fine. Let's continue ot give them what they want.
In the coming days, I'm going to write a piece about our first Coondrick family reunion. You remember THAT fiasco, don't you.
And yes, I have photos.
Happy garbage hunting tonight and don't eat anything I wouldn't...Also, if you'
re foraging for crap near the Highway, don't forget to wear your reflective asshole cover.
Just to be safe. The drivers are nuts on the road these days.
'Night,
LK
I must have eaten the wrong disposable camera. Or maybe that was a GameBoy I ate. God, I love plastic when I'm drunk and spun out.
" Incest doesn't count when its garbage and or organic waste."
Quote of the week! I'm adding that to my blog.
Daddy, I'm on the rag...wanna stop by for some tampon tea?
Sure, but you need to make sure to take the mense bag out of mine, the cotton doesn't go down like it used to.
OK...Sorry, Mama's back now. I had a busy morning blowing the Teamsters Local #4156. Rim jobs were reserved for the Stevedores working the docks at the Houston Ship Channel.
Bagel!!! I've very disappointed in you!~ I taught you better than that!!! Never use the phrase "I'm on the rag". That's so fucking indelicate. Shit, you KNOW I raised you to be a lady!
Bagel, don't listen to mommy. Also, don't put out any sugar cubes or prepare for a daddy breakdown. I have to wash my foods and you know how frustrating it is when you try to wash something and it ends up dissolving before you can eat it. Your mother used to leave out bowls full of sugar cubes out after we fought. Dirty.
Yes Bagel...I did the same to his Instant Tea. Used to piss the ass out of him.
Ah...good times.
When you would fall asleep after sex, I always made a point to pee on your face. Or leg.
I thought the amania in your urine was meant to arouse me?
Is that why I alsways smelled like Mr.Clean every morning?
You BITCH!!
Multi-tasking. Raccoons invented that shit. On the plus side, if you were on fire, you know that I most certainly would piss on you.
Key Honey, I've never doubted your affection for me or the infections from me.
I'm still mad about the moose-fucking you've done. What an ugly waste of DNA.
I'm just a beastie girl.
I loves me some aminals!!
And you know about my love of beasts of burdens? I dated that ox once and then that yak? Remember you were so jealous!!
And you know the saying, once you've had yak, you never go back.
I thought we agreed not to mention that again. Stupid fucking yaks. You and your whorish ways may someday ruin civilization.
You were always so jealous. There were some nights that I mistook your black raccoon eyes for mascara stained tears.
You didn't think I knew about that alternative lifestyle of yours, did you.
How you'd get all dressed up in my older clothes and go out like a...a
Big Dragcoon
I suppose now is the time to bring up your life before me...Larry. And no, most gender reassignments don't end with you getting to keep your lost manhood in a jar.
I've always been a woman...a real woman, you bastard.
As an agressive, talented and cute Journalist, that might make some think "mannish", but I'm ALL woman.
I may not balls, but I wear my ovaries very low.
This is the part where we go to counseling.
No Honey Sack...that's coonseling!!
Indeed. Before the irrecooncilable differences arise.
I suppose you'll want latent coonstudy of Bagel.
I don't want to make her choose.
Especially when she just started her coontinuing educaiton.
I cooncur with this proposal. I want all my shiny things back.
Fine. I'll given you back everything you've ever given me. That cellophane, some plastic wrap and of course, Christmas tinsel
I'll give it all back...those old styrofoam trays that grocery store meat comes in. Old coffee fil;ters, three old milk cartons. eight years worth of cigarette butts and the engagement ring...I'll give that back to.
Who wants cheap cubic zircoonia, anyway????
I knew I was going to hear about that fucking ring again. Damned street vendors.
I knew you didn't get that at JC Cooney like you said!!
LIAR!!!
A street vendor, Key? Was that all I was worth to you?
Well, if I hadn't lost my checkbook in your hoohoo, I probably would have bought something a little nicer. As it was, I had to coonhandle for 3 hours to come up with the money for the ring.
go ahead and say it..you mean my coont??
Yeah, sure, coont. I said it. I can already hear the nasty comments on their nasty little way.
Mother was right..you ARE filthy.
She called it alright. She said if I got involved with you, I'd regret it. You're just like she said...one big raccan't!!!
And you're dirty too. I suppose you talk that way to ALL the little ring tailed forest whores!!!!!
Rendered speechless by the truth are we??
That's cool. You know I'm a patient woman. Anyway, I'm headed to the hills...the scenic Texas Hill Country to visit family. I'm leaving early Friday morning and I'll be back Sunday.
We'll continue this "conversation" Monday.
So until then. Goodbye Key. And by the way, my mother called a few minutes ago. She sends her deepest indifference.
Sorry, I was too busy chasing tail when you posted that last comment. The hills have eyes you know.
Have a great weekend chasing tail, Key..namely your own.
Mentally coontarded!
See ya Monday...Moonday...guess you'll be a coon all day that day huh?
Moonday it is. Off to the Spoonin' Coon for some understanding.
Post a Comment